The long exhale of doing…

The disquiet of my thoughts makes me seek my labyrinth. Like those who go to great temples to kneel, or they that do sit in positions of deep contemplation, walking slowly in my deep green woods, brings me to that place of center.
Life is this series of lessons, each unfolding at it’s place upon the path, and often I don’t see the flower in bloom, just it’s petals at my feet.
I have been very unbalanced and full of chaotic discord the last week or so. I thought it was the stress of the wedding, and all my trials and foibles of finishing my small part in it.
A part of me, usually that silent waiting part, knows that I have learning to do, and that it’s never one simple reveal.
I shall try to explain this, so that even if you can not relate, you may be able to understand.
Doing for others is not something I do randomly, nor is it something I do infrequently. I find a great deal of Joy in loving and doing for others. Giving is a way for me to grow and to push myself beyond the security of my Hermits way. On the outside it may look like giving for me is easy, but it is not. I am a selfish person, with a deep need to be alone and left alone. I am most comfortable in the darkness of my own being.
I am a flame, I bring light, I warm, I can mesmerize, but I can also burn, consume and blaze out of control.
So today in the dappled sunshine deep in my woods,
walking
I realized that the discord was to long away from self. To many hours giving to others, and not enough time for self.
I can only spend so long away, when the trail leads me back to me.
I have no regrets about my time away, and if I did one simple look at her face would wash it away from even the hardest hearted fool.

Thank you, for coming by, for sharing in the moments that lead to a walk down to the river and to the union of two dear people who I wish many many happy days.
May you both be blessed with a restless discomfort about easy answers, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deeply with all your heart.
May you both be blessed with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.
May you both be blessed with enough foolishness to believe that you really CAN make a difference in this world, so that you are able, to do what others claim cannot be done.
and may you always have each others hand to hold when the days are good, and the days are dark.*
If you don’t see me for a while, I am simply taking good care.
make sure you are doing the same.
.
.
.
* shamelessly snitched from another blog…

Seige perilous

I have never been a big fan of Galahads, I always thought he was a bit of a goody goody. Lancelot was such a muffin, Arthur way to cerebral and not with it enough on true human nature. I was kinda fond of Gawain and Trystan , Gawain because he was so damn loyal and a consummate ladies man. Trystan because growing up that was my Grandfathers favorite story to tell me. All his adventures and romantic foibles.
But I digress,
I am no Galahad, there is very little pure and virtuous about me, but I have sat with the noblest of intentions , working most diligently on my said “quest”.
The empty seat is my sewing chair. It was picked out of someone’s trash many many years ago, and has served me well, it has been my seat of peril.
41.5 yards of 3 inch lace
11 yards of rose brocade
7 yards of taffeta
9.75 yards of small trim
6 yards of large trim
13 yards of black satin
9.5 yards of boning
6 spools of thread
5 packages of #9 needles
3 bottles of fray check
36 hook and eye
12 eyelets
1 package of ribbon
…
…
…
It left my house today.
Can I get a YIPPPEEE!?

And on a quick note, I would like to give a HUGE HUG of thanks to Missharley for her technical support and unswerving moral support through my perilous nights. Thank you Radiant one…I mean that from the very depths of my heart, you rock and sew!

Playing Hooky

I have snuck off for a few minutes while company makes a fire, and my tea brews.
I played hooky from sewing today. Didn’t look at it, didn’t think about it, nothing.
We had a ball here at Camp Huwannahockaluggee, it has been company central. (yeah I know, who invited all these people??? don’t they know I have only 5 days left???!!) The nephews showed up on thursday and have set up tents in the woods. The 15 year old is in HEAVEN! the Grandparents showed up on Friday.
I want you to imagine this, 70+ year old Grandma tried on the corset for me so I could do some alterations, Pop walked in and goggled, his lecherous comment is rather scaring so I shant put it here, but lets just say it was “priceless”, and leave it at that shall we?
Thanks for sharing in the laughter and frustration of the wedding bliss, I will be back again after the wedding with some photo’s.
Until then
I leave you with some snaps from my day out of the sewing gulag…

How’s the wedding coming?

In case you were wondering….
The bride came for a fitting again today, I met her at the door with a shovel and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk in the back yard…
She said “No.”
..
….
RATS!

Small things with great Love

I have been so blessed in recent years, and so grateful for the place and the peace that I have found.
It is no small thing to recognize where you are at in the great scheme of things. To learn life’s lessons are not always about win or lose, due or die. To learn that you do what you can from where you are, right now.
It has been a miracle to me, to see what the difference is and what the difference makes. To use my perceptions to focus on manifesting the good and the changes I want to see in this world. To learn to love with out attachments, to except that I am living my life for me, and if I give it my best, then it is THE BEST!
The Labyrinth of life shop has brought me such a sense of connectedness. I have even taken to trying to sell other pieces of my art locally to raise money for charities, if my bills are met, and food is on the table, I am profoundly better off than others! Even on days when this is no small feat, I still have the love of friends and family which sustains me.
I received an email from a good friend I have known for over 20 years asking for a donation to a dear and meaningful charity in her life. Her mother has been an active participant since it’s inception, and recently they have had a run of needs.
COAR ( which you can visit their site by clicking on the name) has been helping kids since the 1980’s, and recent bad weather has destroyed some roofs and buildings.
So I have added more items to my shop and at the end of June I will be sending a check to them to help with the restoration. If you have the funds please consider helping, if you don’t, please consider emailing information to folks who might be able to help. We have the tool of communication at our finger tips, if we can use it to make a difference in one child’s life, shouldn’t we at least try?
Thank you so much..
We can do no GREAT things only small things with Great LOVE.
*
*
The Butterfly Effect:
The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly’s wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of a tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the ocurrence of a tornado in a certain location. The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different. Of course the butterfly cannot literally cause a tornado (this however seems to be a common misinterpretation of the butterfly effect by laypersons). The kinetic energy in a tornado is enormously larger than the energy in the turbulence of a butterfly. The kinetic energy of a tornado is ultimately provided by the sun and the butterfly can only influence certain details of weather events in an uncontrollable, chaotic manner, but e.g. not the general ability of the atmosphere to form tornadoes.

Worth a laugh

My son is 15, he is 170 lbs and 6′3″. He is a well mannered , mostly well behaved kid. He follows the house rules, and has had no disciplinary actions at school all year. Don’t get me wrong, he has moments, when he is a moody hormone ridden adolescent that make me want to pull my hair out, however for 90% of the time he is a great kid.
Today was teachers conferences, so he and I went to meet with his teachers as he has been failing Spanish all year.
Mr. Spanish teacher was a middle aged man on the portly side who was pleasant and helpful. Seems my bright baby boy does NONE of his home work. Homework is a third of his grade, and quizzes,are another third and are taken straight from the homework notebook …( can you see where this is going? ) and test make up the last 3rd. So junior gets A’s on the tests and F’s on everything else.
~groan~
So guess who gets to be the homework police? Joy ~ Rapture
Then we go meet ALL the other teachers…
History is a adorable 20 something brunette who looks eerily like his last girlfriend, he’s getting A’s in History.
Math is a Drop dead gorgeous 20-something brunette, he is getting B’s in Algebra.
English is a Barbie doll blonde , who might be 5 foot tall. She is really pretty and perky in that cheerleader kind of way. He’s getting an A in English.
SO…
Some one needs to explain to me HOW he is only screwing up with the portly spanish teacher? I mean really, Hormones should be frying his brain with the other three!? right? or am I missing something completely here?
I didn’t get to meet the science teacher as she has just left for Maternity leave, but with out a doubt she probably as beautiful as the other 3 I met.
We didn’t have gorgeous teachers when I was growing up, they were all matrons or really obese spinsters.
Color me confused…

Confessions of a friend

I have this deep dark confession to make.
Okay maybe it’s not that dark or deep, but it’s one of those things that when I tell people, they look at me like I have lost a nut~or a brain cell .
I hate weddings.
Yep.
Loathe and despise them. Now I know that it’s odd for a woman who made her living for years taking wedding pictures to confess to this, but in actuality it was taking photo’s that brought me to this place.
Marriage to me, is an important Life altering process. Like choosing to have children, it’s not something to be entered into lightly. It is a HUGE step, even if you have lived with someone for years, there is something on a deeper level about the commitment and the ties that become more visible with your signature on this contract.
Wether you make this union binding through a civil ceremony or a religious one, it is something profound and has meaning and value. You can ascribe your own definitions to this, but it is there.
So why do I hate weddings?
Marriage is a between two people. It is about them, their lives, their future , their choices, but weddings seldom are.
Weddings are family dynamics, other peoples influences, wants needs and desires which get cast onto the couple.
Does this make sense?
My good friend whose wedding I am struggling with has been married once before, she has 3 kids from a previous marriage and has 1 child with the man she has lived with for 5 years.
This should be a piece of cake…right?
Nope.
MIL wants this..FIL wants That, Mama wants this, grandma won’t come unless this, One child feels left out, one child wants to be left out…
I am sitting watching in horror as the events begin to stack up and stress out two people who started off with something simple and sweet, and now have a monkey on their back that has appeared because they want everyone to be happy. This is their day, and everyone else is pissing in it, so that it will conform to there well meaning intentions.
I have a crying bride to be, who keeps changing her wedding dress as her stress levels go off the Richter scale.
Do you know what I say?
Nothing
nada
zip.
I put on tunes and cut my hands with scissors trying to cut out patterns, I hug her profusely, and I listen.
Because I hate weddings, and what they do to couples.
So this is what’s playing in the background tonight as I finish up the first dress..

Kamp Huuwanahokalugee

I am often in wonder at the plethora of company that comes to visit my little shack in the woods.

My Beloved came for another visit. How blessed am I? She has been here twice this year already, no small trip for her!
She is the best kind of company, the kind that doesn’t need to be shown about, taken here or there, doesn’t have to go out to dinner every night, loves my strange ethnic cooking , doesn’t need me to do her laundry or clean up after her as if I was the maid. She is most content to sit on the rocking chair and listen to the birds, bees and wind in the trees. She is capable of wandering in the woods or through the labyrinth with out my consent or company.
She likes to watch me throw pottery, and adds her insights and recommendations to form and function and laughs at my sarcasm when it comes to “dull and boring”.
She even condescended to trying her hands in the mud, and with warmth and chortles tells me ‘dirty’ is so NOT her thing.
The glass however did catch her caprice, and she made a most beautiful piece! She was fearless in the face of all those sharp edges and strange tools! It was a delight to see the sun catching her masterpiece in my kitchen window until she left with it.
Being partial custodian to a nature preserve near by, she, with our entourage in tow, was a wonderful sport as we walked along picking up litter and making notations of where the beavers had made the trails impassable. I was quick to learn, however, that when I started waxing verbose on the differences between Solomon seal and Jacob’s ladder, it was with a wasted breath. She gets the same look in her eyes that the kids do when I am trying to explain the origins, medicinal and other intrinsic values of the local flora and dendrology. ( envision glazed over eye rolling)
It was late one evening when we were sitting at a roaring bonfire that the epiphany was shared.
She has explained that my home is like summer camp.
There are the crafts…
The nature walks…
The canoe trips…
The bonfires…
The feeling of being away from civilization…
The good company of friends and the general relaxation.
So we have officially named this home
KAMP HUUWANAHOKALUGEE
I personally think it’s a great name, I am working on the logo, I think it should be three monkeys..or maybe three turtles…
So, the reason I have so much company is because my home is really a summer camp in disguise! Who would have thought!
(certainly not my kids! )

Little seeds and Reduce…

Green woman tagged me for a meme about what I do to reduce the amount of chemicals in my house.
At first I was very daunted by this, so I went through my house and looked at the “chemicals” I have. It surprised me to find that, other than dishwashing detergent, orange power (hand cleaner for after car work), oxy clean,and laundry detergent, I don’t have a lot of chemicals in the house. Now the studio, thats a whole different kettle of fish. Don’t know to many folks who have lithium carb, manganese dioxide or silica on hand! So We will leave the chemist out of the equation.
I live on well and septic, so I can not use bleach or ammonia, soapy water cleans the floor (when I get to it!)
I am a vigilant advocate for composting, so thats what goes in my gardens, although the 15 year old would love to participate in Green woman’s nitrogen program! ( it’s under consideration.)
I make my own soap, and have for years, since the chemicals and perfumes in store soap either give me a horrible rash or dry my skin out terribly.
I use both vinegar and lemon juice to wash windows, and baking soda will clean a toilet great, and if you add salt and washing soda to the mix it gives it a heck of a shine!
The other thing that I like to do is to grow Pyrethrum,it’s a member of the daisy family. It is also a Very very good bug repellant. If you have small or very young children however, they can not pick or eat these, because they are very toxic. The pesticides people still make a derivative from these plants to spray on home foundations to keep out spiders,ants, roaches and a host of other bugs!
I think the most important thing is to avoid “anti bacterial ” products, these items kill both good germs and bad germs, and how does that help anyone?
Check out this link HERE for some simple solutions to help you reduce your chemical impact.
Thanks green woman for the poke through my cabinets!
and if anyone else wants to participate, please feel free to share your “Green” tips!
and happy Earth day, every day!

April 13th 2006

My Yaya died on this day 2 years ago. In a great many ways it doesn’t feel like 2 years, and in a some respects it feels like a lifetime ago.
Her passing, and the process involved in not only her going, but letting go was and continues to be a part of who I am becoming.
She was/is an integral part of me. I would think that for a great many people the connections and vested emotional ties to those we love create long lasting life altering experiences. I am the sum of the bits and pieces of people I have loved.
When she went back int the hospital because the cancer had spread to her Liver, I put my kids in thier fathers care and went across the US to be with her. I became mother to the woman who was my grandmother. My final weeks with her I had many moments of self doubt, wondering if I was strong enough. Strong enough to help her go, strong enough to let her go. What I found out about myself was amazing…
I share this excerpt from the journal I kept while taking care of her.
“I am astonished to find that I am a care giver. I don’t think I have ever realized that I had this capacity with in myself. Not so much in a sense with Yaya, for that is not so very different from the love and care I give my children at this point. But instead the care I give to my parents, brother, aunts and uncle. My presence here provides a relief and a pressure valve for them. My confidence, directness,and ever constant calmness bring them back from the edge of high stress and anxiety. Who would have thought that the willful, strong willed and mischievous child that cavorted in these halls would grow into someone capable? Not I! I am strong enough…”
*
I am in a deep melancholy today, lost to introspection. On the risk of sounding insane, I have always felt that I live my life in the present, the past and the future simultaneously. Today I am there, holding Yaya’s hand, telling her that I love her, telling her it’s okay to go, because she will never leave me.