Tooot! Tooooot!

Warning!

Warning!

One proud momma ahead.

My teen age son, soon to be 17, ( where do the years go???) has been given a once in a lifetime opportunity.

He will be going abroad next year as a student ambassador/foriegn exchange student.

He has worked so hard , and is so incredibly thrilled.

This is such a tremendous thing for him. It opens up so many possibilities and gives him a perspective of the world that he will need to really be a member of our global community.

Can I tell you how proud of him I am?

Can I tell you how many times my eyes teared up as I read glowing letters of recommendation from teachers and people he has helped? I feel close to bursting!

I had to share this with my friends here in the cyber world. Tell you what an incredibly happy momma I am, and that if you don’t see to much of me it’s because I am about to become a mad fund raising crazy!

I am so tickled I could just do a dance!

~laughing~

Slapping my head with words

My clothing smells of smoke,

My hands are a bit chilled, so I hold the mug of tea a bit longer between unraveling thoughts that try and spill out on the page.

The man-child made me a fire back in the deep woods where he was working this day.

I sat there for some time under the stars , watching some of them fall. They are coming out of Orion’s belt tonight. The coyotes were calling, singing to one another. It wasn’t until the herd of deer darted thru the woods near me that I realized they were getting closer.

My pixie girl is dyslexic, and so every night I sit and read to her, with her. Trying to help her, trying not to weep inside as she struggles thru every word on the page.

We are reading ” The little house in the big woods”. We recently came to a passage where the girls, Laura and Mary were worn out from a long day, and feeling a bit cross. Mary said some unkind things to Laura, which Laura reacted to in anger, and smacked her. Of course she was caught in action, so she was punished by her father.

My little one says to me” That’s not fair! Oh I know she should not have hit her, but words hurt more than smacks!” she sits up in her bed and looks at me with wise earnest eyes. ” Smacks go away, you forget them, but words hurt in your heart and you don’t forget them, they stay for a long time. Mary should have been punished too!”

I am as always nonplussed by this child.

With words escaping me, I give her a hug and a kiss and tuck her into bed.

In a discussion with a very wise and loving friend I tell her about the little one and her words. She recommends telling the imp that yes, words can hurt, but they can also heal.

Armed with this kernel of wisdom, at bedtime I share this with her. She looks at me and says ” I suppose so Mommy, but only if the person hears what your heart is saying, and only if they want to be mended.”

~sigh~

The man-child speaks to me of words, of how difficult they are to use, how no one seems to hear what is being said. I tell him with heavy heart I understand this.They hear the words but not the meaning. We speak of those who are so skilled at weaving words into an illusion, into a lie, that the truth, the heart, is not present. All that is there is a deep manipulation , a justification for some gains, that we can not fathom. He asked me tonight, ” Why don’t people listen? Why do they only hear what they want to?”

~sigh~

These children of mine are so ill suited for this world of ours. Only time will tell if I have done them ill by the choices I have made.

Manifest

Yesterday the little one was helping make things to sell at my upcoming shows.

I  let her make things, usually small things, whistles, ornaments, pins.

I want her to be able to have a bit of pin money to spend on herself. It also shows her how much time and effort goes into things, that do not always sell.

So in the quiet of the studio, both of us focused on what we are doing, she asks me

“Mommy , is life bearable?”

I stop and look at her ” Sometimes, and other times no, but you bear it just the same.” I say.

” That stinks.” she says in her wise old women voice ” why can’t it at least be bearable? it doesn’t have to be Wonderful every minute of every day…”

she grumbles.

I laugh, ” you know your right, it should at least be bearable. Guess your going to have to make sure it is.”

I get an eye roll, and then she dashes over to give me a hug.

This morning I headed down to my Labyrinth, cup of coffee in hand. Lost in thoughts.

Thinking about her comment, wondering about my own mental head space these days. I know logically that life is not always smooth and easy.

I don’t know, I finished walking and headed into the woods…

My thoughts went to ” I don’t mind the snakes ( thinking of some of the people I have had to deal with lately), I have had my share of them, and I respect there place in the order of things..” and when I looked up there was a black snake sunning himself on a little bridge that my son made for me.

pause…

” may I cross? “

and off he moved…

I continued walking, what makes life unbearable? is it the pain? the fear? the distrust? why can I not rise above it? soar like an Hawk?

I heard the Hawks cry and watched her come in and land in the tree’s above me.

I felt like bowing,

but just paused.

Wondering what her perspective was from up there.

wondering…

So then I continued on to a spot in the far back where I have a bench, that I sit on and contemplate.

To many days I have been dwelling in what I can not do, what I can not change. I go through this place where I do not trust myself, what I am doing, how I am living, and what my own self worth is.

I can be my own worst enemy. I let fear prey on me.

A red fox jumped out of the briars in front of me and wandered around the rabbit burrow. He did not seem to notice me sitting there watching him no more than 30 feet away. content to sniff and harass his dinner.

One of these days I will remember to take my son’s camera with me to the woods…

sigh

Lesson for today, Life is bearable, and we manifest what we need. To grow, to learn, to remember.

Some times it not about me, or this broken world.

Sometimes it’s just about being present for life,

for life’s sake.