Confessions of a friend
I have this deep dark confession to make.
Okay maybe it’s not that dark or deep, but it’s one of those things that when I tell people, they look at me like I have lost a nut~or a brain cell .
I hate weddings.
Yep.
Loathe and despise them. Now I know that it’s odd for a woman who made her living for years taking wedding pictures to confess to this, but in actuality it was taking photo’s that brought me to this place.
Marriage to me, is an important Life altering process. Like choosing to have children, it’s not something to be entered into lightly. It is a HUGE step, even if you have lived with someone for years, there is something on a deeper level about the commitment and the ties that become more visible with your signature on this contract.
Wether you make this union binding through a civil ceremony or a religious one, it is something profound and has meaning and value. You can ascribe your own definitions to this, but it is there.
So why do I hate weddings?
Marriage is a between two people. It is about them, their lives, their future , their choices, but weddings seldom are.
Weddings are family dynamics, other peoples influences, wants needs and desires which get cast onto the couple.
Does this make sense?
My good friend whose wedding I am struggling with has been married once before, she has 3 kids from a previous marriage and has 1 child with the man she has lived with for 5 years.
This should be a piece of cake…right?
Nope.
MIL wants this..FIL wants That, Mama wants this, grandma won’t come unless this, One child feels left out, one child wants to be left out…
I am sitting watching in horror as the events begin to stack up and stress out two people who started off with something simple and sweet, and now have a monkey on their back that has appeared because they want everyone to be happy. This is their day, and everyone else is pissing in it, so that it will conform to there well meaning intentions.
I have a crying bride to be, who keeps changing her wedding dress as her stress levels go off the Richter scale.
Do you know what I say?
Nothing
nada
zip.
I put on tunes and cut my hands with scissors trying to cut out patterns, I hug her profusely, and I listen.
Because I hate weddings, and what they do to couples.
So this is what’s playing in the background tonight as I finish up the first dress..
The URI to TrackBack this entry is: http://sorrow11.wordpress.com/2008/05/05/confessions-of-a-friend/trackback/
It would be so much easier to just elope and use the money for something they need or want!
I did not have a large wedding on any of my THREE marriages. hee, hee.
I love to read your words girl..you are a good person, but with a sassy attitude!! I so connect with that!
Gypsy~
~snort~
Sassy hunh? yeah I suppose thats a word, I feel pretty ornery when I do my eye rolling.
I have been accused of having a dry wit. ~smirk~
I don’t know how you managed 3 weddings, as a photographer I have been through hundreds,and I find them so stressful. I would rather go to the gynecologists than go to another wedding.
Bleh.
*nodding*
This is what I tell people who are falling apart at the seams over those ‘family dynamics’ while planning a wedding……it’s THEIR wedding.
*sigh*
Few hear it.
It was himself and me in front of the Judge…who kindly offered to get me a drink AND offered to let me remain sitting for the ceremony.
(drink I refused, and I did stand….barely…..LOL)
Mel~okay, so you did it right…and even had a sweet judge marrying you!
did you at least get the drink and the seat when it was over? I think you deserved it!
That’s how I’ve always felt about weddings, though I’ve hardly been touched by them myself. I’ve attended a few, I was in exactly one, and I thought “never again”.
Still, it doesn’t take muchd every bride and groom I’ve ever talked to say they don’t remember a thing about the wedding afterwards, they were so stressed/tired/whatever by the time the ceremony was there, and even before/during/after the ceremony and reception they’re trying to avert a million disasters.
The comment about how the marriage is between the two of them, that really strikes a chord with me. I’ve made similar comments over the years…I don’t plan on ever getting married, but if I did, I’d elope to a tropical island somewhere. There is just no way I’d put myself through something like that, and the sad thing to me is that it seems like it gets marriages off to a pretty rough start, with that kind of stress and family tension.
There is just something wrong about that.
You’re a good friend to be a sympathetic ear for your friend. At least she has one person not stressing her out! Though I know it is stressful for you, and painful to watch.
DEB~Your are absolutely right. It is a shitty way to start a marriage, but it’s crazy, because for some reason, everyone things it’s about them.They want so much to be apart of some one else’s process, that they can really become obsessed with how everything should be. I guess it depends on what kind of Drama hounds you have running around, on rare occasions I have seen a big wedding be a fun and good time.
I think the eloping is a great idea…safer bet!
You are SOOOOO right about this, lady Sorrow!
And I chime in with every word you say here!
Being someone who was also involved with weddings (doing the hair and make up) the stress of those few hours that I spent surrounded by the bridal party, was enough to make me realize that people should elope!
A wedding is more about the family, than it is about the two people celebrating their love.
I DO enjoy witnessing a wedding ceremony, however, it’s what usually leads up to that ceremony, is what I find utterly stressful. And it really shouldn’t be, ya know?
And I think your smart in just being silent. Your wonderful energy will help her more than any words.
RON~
I am just the Hug machine these days…Now how hard is that? LOL!
you know the saying” anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” I think it applies to weddings!
I was lucky that I didn’t have any of this kind of stress with my own wedding(s) or even my daughters wedding… Sorrow, I am off to Vietnam on THursday, so hope to catch up when we get home… I want to see if you are making mugs… I love the one you sent me so much, I want to order some
Robyn~ have a great time! I am glad to hear that your wedding experiences were good! Perhaps because you let Love take care of all of it, and not drama? lol !
be good to you!
oh hell yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I got the full dose when planning my own wedding.
I (half)jokingly say that Jason is stuck with me because I am never getting married again because I am never planning another wedding. EVER.
Brandi~ OMG! thats to funny! I can’t imagine what kind of inner strength it takes not to go off on your partner when the in-fighting starts between families..
it’s so nasty…I shot a wedding once where the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom were rivals in high school.( HS? like 20 years later!!!?) and they had to be kept apart for the reception, but one got a little tipsy and took a swing at the other missed her and socked me right into the cake.
weddings..
yippee
I’m always amazed when the ‘happy couple’ is still speaking to each other by the time the honeymoon rolls around. Next time I get married (and Gypsy, we’re neck and neck girl ;-)..) it’ll be something very private (like in just the two of us) with Elvis performing the honors.
Grace~
i love elvis, but I don’t think your talking about Costello? I’m just put out by the whole nightmare of it, and can not figure out the why..but then High Drama is my 9 year old,,,not me! LOL
Sorrow… I do not think it strange not to like weddings… My job is dealing with peoples “special days”… what ever happened to spending time with your loved ones… weddings and other special days have turned into a show… an elaborate way to show how much your worth… I recently went to a wedding… 300+ people… the poor couple had no time to spend with the family or one another… they were too busy greeting their guests… it was a procession… All I have to say is people ruin their beginnings or celebrations by not celebrating…
Sorry for the rant… had a long weekend… but you get what I am saying… Focus on your life… your loved ones… one day it all will end, what memories will you have?
ENREAL~ Man i hug you from here! That is so it and so what i am complaining about!
Thanks for getting it!
(((HUGS)))
Our family have always gone the “hey we’re getting married, want to come, we’re having a party” route. Never the thousands of pounds, most special day of your life, if Auntie Thing comes Uncle Do Da won’t, sort of thing.
Sorry sorry 
And anyway, what’s that ‘most special day of your life’ thing all about? Nonsense is what. You can’t make that decision in advance of the rest of your life! And it’s a betrayal to abandon all the equally special days from your past to some crazy show day …oops! I’m ranting a bit too
Your friend is blessed to have your quiet steadfast support and the HUGE practical help you’re giving her.
Don’t wear yourself out
xx
MIG~ You are so blessed! You will never know how lucky you are! Weddings tend to be a nightmare around here, and i just bit the tongue till it bleeds…But I am trying to go easy and thanks for the reminder to not wear myself out!
…you are indeed a good and faithful friend, support unit and seamstress…i can only assume you will photograph the nuptuals as well?…
…having been in the music biz for several decades, i have supplied the musical wallpaper for some boring functions and been up front and center at others, like tribal shamans performing the mating and fertility rites…i definitely prefer the latter…
…a short wedding story…my second marriage took place on Halloween and we had a masquerade reception…i should have recognized the irony right away and seen how scary the relationship would become…’nuff said…
…mind yer fingers with those shears and other pointy things…
Soul pumpkin~
I am laughing at the image of tribal ceremony…if you only knew how INSANE this wedding is going to be…
and yes i am taking the pictures so i will have fun stuff to post! By the way, my favorite wedding ever was a Halloween wedding, It was a riot…It was in NY, not your I hope? The happy couple looked really happy…
… elopement or inviting friends only should be the 1st option to every bride and groom
BIM~
I think the ceremony should be private , the party whatever the couple wants!!!
oh yeah baby, i hear you loud and clear!
almost 20yrs later, i still remember my first wedding *shudder*. now my sister is about to marry, and i’m sticking up for her desire to do it any which way because i do believe, after living through my own hell, that it’s not about the bride and groom, it’s about the parents and the expectations of anyone else but. try and tell that to my family *shrug*.
xo
Girl she needs someone in her corner!
Stand tall and be the wall! Family can get way out of line/hand!
HUGS to you for being the one who loves her enough to remind her it’s her frikin day!
Weddings have become a victim of the media and have lost something that should be special. This is as you say, a union between two people and love should be all that it brings to the table not a circus. When you watch the bride reality shows it’s really enough to make you sick.
I found a corset pattern for the dress…Simplicity #7215, also Simplicity #2890 might work as well. Happy sewing.
“Marriage is a between two people. It is about them, their lives, their future , their choices, but weddings seldom are.”
I’ve never been in a marriage that was really about two people either - sorry but true. So many dynamics come into play–it’s really sort of sad. I’ve been a card carrying adult for quite sometime, and yet people still seem to put their 2-cents worth into my private affairs. Anywho. . . . At least I get the Rose Brocade joke now- still trying to figure out the chicken one I saw on Grace’s blog. Have a great day!
Cordie~
OMG, thanks for the laugh! Man o man, i don’t know what kinda relationships you have been in, but SUCKSVILLE! Yeah and everyone has advice, it’s the only thing most folks no how to give…(urp) don’t get me started!
Thanks sweet!
and the chicken is one of those things if you ever spent time on a farm, you have seen them run with now heads and they are even harder to catch than when they do have a head!