April 13th 2006
My Yaya died on this day 2 years ago. In a great many ways it doesn’t feel like 2 years, and in a some respects it feels like a lifetime ago.
Her passing, and the process involved in not only her going, but letting go was and continues to be a part of who I am becoming.
She was/is an integral part of me. I would think that for a great many people the connections and vested emotional ties to those we love create long lasting life altering experiences. I am the sum of the bits and pieces of people I have loved.
When she went back int the hospital because the cancer had spread to her Liver, I put my kids in thier fathers care and went across the US to be with her. I became mother to the woman who was my grandmother. My final weeks with her I had many moments of self doubt, wondering if I was strong enough. Strong enough to help her go, strong enough to let her go. What I found out about myself was amazing…
I share this excerpt from the journal I kept while taking care of her.
“I am astonished to find that I am a care giver. I don’t think I have ever realized that I had this capacity with in myself. Not so much in a sense with Yaya, for that is not so very different from the love and care I give my children at this point. But instead the care I give to my parents, brother, aunts and uncle. My presence here provides a relief and a pressure valve for them. My confidence, directness,and ever constant calmness bring them back from the edge of high stress and anxiety. Who would have thought that the willful, strong willed and mischievous child that cavorted in these halls would grow into someone capable? Not I! I am strong enough…”
*
I am in a deep melancholy today, lost to introspection. On the risk of sounding insane, I have always felt that I live my life in the present, the past and the future simultaneously. Today I am there, holding Yaya’s hand, telling her that I love her, telling her it’s okay to go, because she will never leave me.
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Much love to you Today.. I really feel your words deep inside they are echoing so much for me.. I hope I can give my mother the same tenderness when her time comes..thinking of you xxx
I will always be amazed at what we find so deep inside , when we truly look.
i am sure, with out doubt,
that you will have no regrets,
and your care will be deep and genuine as the sea…
(((LOVE IN ABUNDANCE))))
I do not think you are insane at all! I think we have touched on this before….I “time travel” too.
I am glad your daughter is better, and I will toast your Yaya tonight!
The candles are burning.
Agape’
My friend, the light of your love, and the laughter in your insights brings such joy…
peace and gratitude to you as well!
(((((((Hugs))))))))))
Back at you!
“I am the sum of the bits and pieces of people I have loved.”
What a beautiful post, Sorrow. And there is nothing insane about feeling so connected that someone will always be with you in Spirit, and in knowledge, even if not in body…
You truly can experience past, present and future at once when you are in alignment with your Core…
In memory of your yaya,who will always be with you when you call her memory and energy in…
Blessings…
Loving Annie , thank you for the light of your love…and for the warmth of your visit!
be good to you!
Evening Lady Sorrow~
Such a beautiful post…it made me cry.
Your words instantly reminded me of when my father passed away. And like yourself, I was surprised at my inner source to be a caregiver. I didn’t think I had it in me. I was petrified that I wouldn’t even be able to cope with the fact that he was dying, let alone care for him.
However, the experience ended up being one that I will never forget…and was actually beautiful. Something inside of me…was healed.
And like yourself, I too go through these moments of melancholy. I will sometimes look at a photo of him and just sob. And not for anything…except for our love for one another.
Thank you for sharing this post, dear lady.
It touched me deeply!
Ron~ there is nothing that is worth more than this day. Thank you for sharing your love…
sorrow, i have nothing to compare this loss, my loved elders still live. but i can image the feeling of living in the timelines we’ve come to know as we age, and all the memories that make them whole…and the knowing that we are all together, if not in body then in spirit. let me hold you hand too…
peace,
Lil xo
LIL~ It is an awe inspiring process, letting go ..It moves you and changes you in ways that you keep discovering as the years go by.. Thank you, I shall hold your hand losely, for it’s always good to have a friend by your side..Blessed be
sounds like the place my mum is, and she has been dead for 22 years now, but she is inside me and around me.and I still miss her and call for her when the pain in life is just too hard to bear.
hugs
pxx
Pix~ bits and pieces that stay with you, I think Love is the only eternal…Loving you..always
Thank you dear Sorrow for sharing so beautifully. This post has woken many memories for me for which I am grateful.
No, you don’t sound even the least bit insane - balanced, aware and compassionate yes but not insane
Mig~ I am so glad that it brought you sweet memories..Those are the most precious!
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing something so deep in your heart. Thinking of you today.
(((HUGS))) Thanks Golden one, peace to you as well…
(lovely toon BTW!!)
I often look at old ladies and see myself in them, living my future in this present. . . and I see my mother in small girls splashing in puddles, and my maternal grandmother in teenagers - their pasts in my present
but it is only these three - never my daughter as a grown woman
maybe it is something XX too, because I don’t see it in men/boys or the male side of my family
(one of my mother’s mother’s sisters was seen as a ghost)
and thank you for the brain tease - what a lovely thought, waking up in space!
ISLTV~ Glad you like the tunes..
I thought it was time for me to catch up with the other song spot folks..
I do it with every one
non age or gender specific..
Do you suppose you do it with the older women because so much of them is in you? and less of your daughter because you are in her?
thought…
You are amazing, Sis. I’m a bit late coming over here now, but you know that I am with you. I’m lighting a candle and some of the DB oil for you and Yaya.
I wish I could give you a big fat hug right now…
xoxox
Peace Love & Light,
=RD=
Hey brother! and i am a little late checking back with you!
But hey! Our Love is in the right spot! eh?
(((HUG)) thanks!
I think that we never know how strong we are until we’re faced with a situation where we have no choice but to draw on everything we have. I’m not surprised you were strong enough, you have always seemed like a very strong person, at least what I know of you through your blog!
I was close to my gram when I was little, but that didn’t really stay the same as we got older. Maybe it was the alzheimers, maybe it was the way we are when we are teens, and then I moved away for college and never really went back. Anyway, after she died (at 94!) one of her old rings came to me. I have no memories of ever seeing her wear it, she had very bad arthritis and as long as I can remember her rings had been cut off her fingers long before. But I wear her ring in memory of her, and every time I look at it, I think of her, and I’m reminded of the times I’d spent with her, us cackling over Mad Libs until we were both crying of laughter, things like that.
I’m just sort of babbling here by now, not sure if I had a point to make, but I’m sure not making one if I had meant to!
Deb~ Feel free to ramble, thats always what my thoughts do when i get caught in memories!
What you feel in relation to time is very sane. For we do live in all times at the same time. I love your insights about yourself. You are truly amazing. Thanks for shareing this important bit of your journey.
Tobe~I am glad to find others who don’t look at me crossways when i say whats in my heart…Thanks,,,life is an adventure!Eh?
You are indeed strong enough!!! I sense it in your work… and most of all your words, they hold a deep old strength… I use “old” in the sense of wisdom… I am sorry you are sad… feel that and imagine your Yaya smiling down on you… now feel the sadness be drained and refilled with light… she feels your energy always… you will feel it again…
Enreal~Thank you for the light of your concern, It is just that moment of disconnect when someone you want to touch has moved to a place unreachable by physical contact..
I am a huggy touchy soul..
You write so beautifully - it is good to have you back. Thanks for the lovely surprise of music!
Cate~ Glad you like the tunes, I needed to add a little groove to the site, I am not much on changing the look, but the sound added a new feel!
Thanks for the kind words about my writing, it seems I am getting more comfortable with it every day!
((hugs)) - I love that you say you live in the past, present and future simultaneously - yes, I can do that
love you! xoox