I am standing there, just waiting. If my eyes are glazed over , I know he would not notice. I can not get frustrated, it would require an effort that I just don’t have today. It’s been one of those days. The kind that my sense of humor has saved me from homicide or suicide, not really sure which. Oh, look he’s still talking….
I had to drive to the city today, some days it astonishes me that I lived in a city once. I am not the city driver, I get confused by the road signs that don’t make sense, terrified by the folks that drive 75 mph while on their cell phones. I made a promise to a friend, so there you go.
The first place I go is a photo lab, one of those high-end places that would charge you to walk in if they could. After double checking my order three times, I leave to go check out a health food store I have heard about.
Still talking, need to nod my head and look like I am following….
I am very fortunate that my local grocer carries a abundance of organic and local foods, because the sticker shock in this place nearly gave me a stroke. 8$ for a organic tofu that was 3 days from it’s expiration date…Woah! No thanks, I found a “Honest Tea” pomegranate and red that was so good! The cashier would have given the 15 year old a good laugh, he doesn’t mind tattoos, Mom’s got her share, but when they have them on their face, it always solicits a comment. This 19 year old had stars all over her lovely face, Can you imagine what he would have said?
He’s quiet, was I suppose to say something? Oh …nope, he’s just getting air, here we go again.
Then I spotted this used book store! Hot diggety! I danced in and browsed around. I picked up 3 books. One on Gnomes, a very old small water marked poetry book by some obscure author I had never heard of, and a photo book with pictures of New Mexico. When the woman said 87.13$ I nearly fell over. “excuse me?” she explained that the little poetry book circa 1968 ,was 38$. The gnome book circa 1994 was 27$ ( it has 16.95 publishers price on the torn jacket) and the photo book circa 1998 was 17.95 ( it had a 12.95 publishers price on it ) I looked at her and asked,” aren’t used books suppose to be less expensive?” she looked at me like I was a bug ” these are collectors items”….oh….ok. I didn’t buy any of them, but I found two of them online and the total was 8$ before shipping.
Oh here we go, he’s asking me my opinion…as soon as I say ” well…” he’s off and running again.
Then on to the next store, one item, thats all I needed , I searched and searched, but could not find it. There were only two employees in the whole store when I asked the one woman who was sitting at her desk in an office ( with the door open) she screamed at me, no kidding, screamed! ” I am busy here!” So I went back to my hunting and found it after 15 minutes. Then I am standing in line, the other employ is manning the cash register, and let me tell you that was a hell of a line. When I get up to her I realize the scanner thingie is not working and the register seems to be having fits. “Other employees call in sick?” I kindly inquire. ” no, they quit yesterday, the boss gave them fits. ” hmmm really..”so where’s the boss?” I ask. “she’s in her office.” Yes, that explains a lot.
Oh ,now he is going on and on about his 200 close personal friends, smile and look pleased….
Drive back to pick up the photo’s , pay another astronomical amount of money, look at the enlargements, very nice, very glossy. Okay listen to the shpeel on why the really big ones will take longer. Leave, get out of the packed parking lot and sit on a side street and attempt to make a phone call. Would have loved to see the look on her face when she got that phone message. It started off with lots of screaming and swearing as some moron came with in kissing distance of my bumper. Yes, my heart still works and so does my adrenal gland. The drive to the gas station finds me following a weaving mini van . She is driving 50-76 mph in a 65 zone, You can see the one hand up at her ear and the other one waving around as she talks. Where is the one thats on the steering wheel? As I pass her she does that finger wagging thing and then does another short movement and her vehicle disappears as she comes to a stop. I can’t help looking in the rear view, cars go every where, but it looks like no collisions. Help me…
He tells me how his favorite person besides himself is Gandhi, because he tries so hard to be humble like him….
So now I am at the gas station and the woman in front of me is trying to buy a pack of cigarettes and does not have her ID. I could not tell you how many times she swore. Let’s say I was dazzled and leave it at that. Then she tries to walk away with out paying for her coke. She pays for it with a 100$ bill. The cashier looks drugged, but then maybe you have to be, then I noticed her name badge says “in training” so I smile and say ” not your first day is it? ” she looks up her eyes sorta focus and she mutters ” um no..second” I try the encouraging nod and attempt my escape from the gas station. I get cut off trying to get in traffic and am treated to some of my personal favorite hand gestures.
Great, now he is telling me all about his experiences as a marriage counselor and how he has saved thousands from tragedy…smile and nod
I need to make one more stop and I can go home. The dreaded grocery. I spot this parking place and as I go to pull in the woman in the new Lexus next to the spot I want, pulls out suddenly. The guy in the van on the other side of her is trying to get his 2 year old and 4 year old in the car. She narrowly misses him….. 3 times. You can tell by the look on his face that if his kids were not with him, he would have something to say. I am cheering for him, praying she doesn’t hit him on her fourth attempt to get out of her space, and that he doesn’t lose it. We win and she leaves. So I am in the store, running down that mental list, and I go to turn down the cereal aisle. I see him, he is a skeleton with wild hair and even wilder eyes, he looks strung out on crack, or something worse. He is just standing there swinging a box of cereal around. Nope, I don’t need cereal that bad. So I wander across the store and get the milk ,bread, eggs and oh yeah Jr asked for OJ…a silent mutter I need tomatoes! Back to the other side of the store. As I am trotting along I see 5 cops with there hands on there guns running through the store. Hmmm this doesn’t look good….maybe I don’t need those tomatoes. No I need them, kid one wants taco’s, okay make a run to the back of the store and go across the back , past the crowd gathered at the end of the cereal aisle and get tomatoes. The cashier informs me they tasered the cereal zombie and hauled him out, seems he hit a little old lady with a cereal box. Crap. Why didn’t I go report the nut? sigh
I think I have been standing here listening for at least 45 minutes now… how do I get away?
I get home to find out the 15 year old pretended to be me on the phone and told someone I would be here tommorow for a 4 o’clock appointemnt. I won’t be, I need to meet with someone about a job. Crap. Then I look at the small pictures from the o-so-professional photo lab. They look like shit. I have to go back to the city. Another 20$ in gas to drive to Hellsville. Joy rapture…
My cell phone rings, SAVED! I make my excuses and I leave.
Grandmother taught me to never be disrespectful of people, to look for God in everyone I meet. Even the ones that think they are God. She was a wise woman, I might not always see god, but I hear her, and thats close enough.
